4 Decades of Lies!
by NoNic4Neal
Day 5
My name is Neal, and I feel especially lucky today for two reasons. 1). I started smoking over 40 years ago, and I'm still here to talk about it, and 2). More importantly, I have been free of any nicotine and healing for Four Days, 19 Hours and 39 Minutes, while extending my life expectancy 10 Hours, by avoiding the use of 120 nicotine delivery devices that would have cost me $24.10.
I started smoking when I was 11 years old. I was the youngest of 4 kids (who all smoked), from parents who both smoked. It seemed like all my relatives and everyone I knew smoked. It was the end of the 60's and smoking was cool! Cigarettes were sold everywhere, even in vending machines for about 50 cents. The Ads were everywhere, all the Hollywood stars smoked on the big screen, and you could smoke anywhere.
When I was sixteen I lost my father to a smoking related illness. He was 48 years old (younger than I am now) when he passed. He smoked two packs a day of Lucky Strike non-filter. I guess I never really acknowledged that it was a smoking related illness (hardening of the arteries) until recently. I guess that was part of my junkie thinking and rationalizations.
I remember my first serious quit attempt at 17 years old. I quit cold turkey with no help for almost two miserable weeks. I lost count of how many times I tried to quit. As new gimmicks would come out, I would try them. I knew I should quit, and I knew how unhealthy it was, but I could not succeed. I tried cutting down, switching brands, vitamin programs, cigarrest, switching to dip or chewing tobacco, patches, gums, lozenges, and even hypnosis. In the long run my addiction always won out. I would always find some way to rationalize going back to smoking or why that particular quit wasn't right, or how I would do better next time, but it was alright to smoke for now, etc, etc, etc. My record quit was 15 months, I also quit for 12 months, 10 months, 8 months, 6 months, 3 months, and many times for an assortment of weeks or days. I was always reminded of Mark Twain's quote " Quitting smoking is easy, I've done it a hundred times".
I really believe that this time is going to be different from all my other attempts. I have armed myself by reading as much of the literature and watching as many of the videos on WhyQuit.com as I could. If knowledge is power, then I am beginning to get very powerful. I will not stop, if I think I've read every word on WhyQuit, then I'll start over and read it again and again. I even joined Freedom well aware of the relapse policy, because this time I will not fail.
My quit has been going well so far (almost 5 days), and because of all my researching there has been no surprises. The first 3 days I was lost in a fog, I could not concentrate, I felt very lightheaded and almost dizzy, I was tired all the time, and of course I had to deal with the craves. So far each day has been better than the last as I can slowly fell myself returning home. I'm not sure if I'll be able to recognize home since I've been gone so long, but it has to be better than where I've been.
Many of the other times that I quit I got a taste of the "better life" without nicotine, but I never realized the extent of this addiction and the brain wanting disorder, I always went back to using nicotine. Now knowing that this is one of the worst addictions and diseases, makes it easier for me to understand why I have failed so many times in the past. If I ever feel like I'm losing control I can strengthen my resolve by reading at WhyQuit or I can post to this forum for advise from people who know what I'm going thru.
I have different options available now before reaching for that first puff. Every single failed attempt at quitting in my past had one thing in common. I took that first puff! I know now that just one puff will send me straight back to my full addiction. I'm just one puff away from over a pack a day. I feel so lucky, almost blessed, to have stumbled onto WhyQuit.com and ending the 4 Decades Of Lies.
I now call myself a recovering nicotine addict rather than an ex-smoker, because it reminds me of the power of this addiction and disease. I don't know how many more quits I have left in me. I never know if, or when, that spot will show up on my chest x-ray, but I know if I have to face that type of situation, I want to face it as a non-smoking recovering nicotine addict, and I won't go down without a fight.
In closing, I hope there is a special spot in heaven for John, Joel, and all the volunteers who make this site possible. You are helping so many people, like myself, who would otherwise be helpless! Thank you so much.
Neal
Day 8
Just a follow-up:
I made it thru my first week, one day at a time. I'm still feeling strong in my quit, I have been spending time continuing to seek knowledge on WhyQuit. Along with feeling strong, a new feeling is starting to surface - pride. I am still having the psychological triggers. I made an analogy of the triggers being like the ducks on a shooting range. I don't spend time admiring their shape or size or color, I don't wonder what it would be like to touch them. I just look where they are coming from and shoot them down. I then take a couple of deep breaths and continue with my healing. Each day there are fewer ducks to shoot. Someday I might have nothing to shoot at! I will still really enjoying taking the deep breaths though, I enjoy not having any pain or coughing. My sense of smell is also getting amazing. I'm beginning to really see some of the advantages of not taking another puff.
Neal
Day 11
I'm on Day # 11 now, and everything is good. I can't say that it is a piece of cake, but it is manageable. Thanks to everyone who responded and continue to give me support, it means a lot to me. One day at a time I have been getting more optimistic about not using nicotine. I still feel tired easily and I did gain a few pounds (as expected). I have been following the suggestions in the literature and have been reversing my weight gain the last few days. I read on Why Quit and this forum when I have time, and it keeps me strong. My craves are getting smaller and only seem to last about 10 seconds now. Hope everyone has a great nicotine free day. NTAP
Neal
Day 17
Well, I have almost 18 days now. I'm starting to finally get over the lightheadedness, still having problems sleeping thru the night. I've been coughing up a lot, I guess my lungs are cleaning themselves out. I'm feeling pretty good about my quit, my freedom from nicotine, and life in general. I will not use nicotine today.
Neal
Update - Day 23
I really had an awakening this weekend. On Friday night I decided to have my first drink of alcohol since I quit. I had 3 beers in the safety of my house, and I did get several cue triggers (which I expected) and handled easily. On Saturday I did some outside work around the house and I was literally pounded with cue triggers (which I didn't really expect). This is the first time I did any of this work since I quit. It seems I smoked a lot when engaging in this activity because my subconscious was in overdrive. Lately, during my normal days I was down to very few urges to smoke, but working in my yard I was getting plenty. Thanks to WhyQuit and Freedom I understood why.
I hadn't engaged in this activity since I quit, so my subconscious had to be re-programmed that smoking doesn't go with yard work anymore. Then a light illuminated. I always wondered on previous quit attempts why I would get hit with triggers so far into my quit. It was because I was doing something I hadn't done since I quit, that I used to do while smoking. I'm sure I lost a quit or two by not knowing this. In one of Joel's videos he mentions going to a wedding or funeral well into your quit and all of a sudden your hit with urges to smoke. Since weddings don't happen all the time this is your first one since quitting. Your subconscious will remind you of each time you had a cigarette at the last wedding you went to, by giving you an urge to smoke at this one.
I learned that I need to look for new activities and face each one knowing that I might encounter an urge to smoke or use nicotine. This will give me a new opportunity to tell my subconscious that we will never take another puff, dip, or chew. My knowledge of this addiction is making me powerful in my fight against it. No Nicotine Today!
Neal
Day 30
I can’t believe tonight will be a whole month without using any nicotine. I have quit smoking for a month several times before, but this is so different. My past quit attempts left me addicted to other nicotine delivery devices. Leading up to this quit I had been addicted to nicotine lozenges for over a year, I used them and smoked cigarettes constantly. When I couldn’t have a cigarette I would have a lozenge in my mouth. Occasionally I would smoke cigars, I tried the e-cigarettes, the inhalers, the gum, the patch, and I even tried oral tobacco to break up the routine. ( It was a real nicotine addicts heaven, but in reality, it was hell).
Before finding this site I thought I was accomplishing something by giving up the cigarettes, but all the time I would still be on the lozenges or some other form of nicotine. I was in a state of constant withdrawal. This time, in my first week of quitting cigarettes, I went online for support and found WhyQuit.com.
After a few days of reading and watching the videos I decided to really go for it. I threw away the lozenges and stopped using all nicotine on January 9, 2011 at 11:00PM E.S.T. I downloaded a quit counter and set it to zero. Now, faster than I could have dreamed, it is at 1 month of nicotine freedom.
I originally named my first post journal “ 4 Decades Of Lies” because I have been smoking for over 40 years. The lies I was talking about was aimed at the tobacco and pharmaceutical companies, and the government for letting them do all that lying to us. After working this program for the last month I came to realize that I was doing the lying to myself for all those years. I never “liked” or “loved” smoking, cigarettes were not my friend, it was not O.K. to substitute NRT for cigarettes and think I was doing myself a big favor (it always lead me back to smoking anyway), I thought smoking was a bad habit, I told myself I wasn’t addicted, it was alright to have just one while I was trying to quit. I thought I couldn’t live without smoking, I would never be able to quit for the long haul, nicotine feedings were not my #1 priority, I could never go a whole day without wanting a cigarette, and one of my favorites - you have to die from something, why not smoking? Etc. Etc. Etc. They were all lies to keep me feeding myself nicotine.
I have learned so much on this site. I really believe that this time, I will be able to make the transition to become an ex-smoker / recovering nicotine addict once and for all. I couldn’t have come to this realization without the wisdom and support of all the veterans of this site. I have been amazed at the wisdom of the people who have come before me. It is great that you continue to motivate and support all the newbie’s like me. Whenever I think of you Guys a saying comes to my mind: ASPIRE TO INSPIRE BEFORE YOU EXPIRE. You all have INSPIRED me, eventually as I learn more, I will ASPIRE to help new members with their quits like you do, and since we’ve all quit this addiction we will not EXPIRE as soon as we would have.
At this point in my quit it really helps me to just read a little each day, and strengthen my resolve for that day to not take a single puff. My urges are now very weak and don’t come very much anymore. They are easy to handle, but I know I have to always have my guard up.
Today I got some news about a Guy I used to work with. He left the company last year. It turns out that he got diagnosed with a lesion on his lung in December 2010. He was an active smoker for many years, and he still smoked when he quit the company. He passed away in January of 2011, the cancer spread to his liver and other organs. If he was waiting to “bottom out” before quitting he only had one month of life left after he first heard the news. There but for the grace of God go I, it shows how serious we all have to take our quits, we are truly fighting for our lives.
I’m sorry to be so long-winded but it is my quit, my life, my journal, and my Green anniversary. I’m very proud to be a member of this group. Keep taking it one day at a time. NTAP
YQB Neal
Thanks everyone for your kind words. Today is day 36 and I haven't been having any real problems. I have been feeling tired more than I used to, but I'm sure that will change in time. I worked in the yard again this weekend, and I didn't have any cravings. Joel was right again. I'm really building confidence and pride in my quit. No nicotine today!
Neal
Day 43
1 month and 12 days! (Clean and Green) Made it fine thru another weekend, I've been fighting a cold for a while, probably why I've been feeling tired. I didn't spend any time on the computer this whole weekend. The first time I went more than a day without reading on WhyQuit or FFN.
I haven't had any real temptations to use nicotine in quite awhile, just some occasional thoughts, and I pretty much laugh them away. I'm trying to figure out if I'm reaching the acceptance stage yet. I feel that my quit is very strong, and I'm really starting to look at myself as an ex-smoker, not as a smoker who is trying to quit.
Maybe it is too early in my quit to feel this way, but it sure feels good each day to not use any nicotine. I read the journals of the long time quitters, and I admire the freedom and peace of mind that they have found. I soooo much want to experience what they have found, rather than ever going back to being a slave to this addiction. No nicotine today. NTAP
YQB Neal
Day 52
I reached 1 month and 3 weeks last night, cruising towards double green. I'm just starting to get over the chest cold I've been fighting for the last 3 weeks. I'm really feeling good about my quit, and it is getting easier each day. I occasionally get smoking thoughts, but I understand where they are coming from and how to deal with them. These thoughts are coming less and less as I face more situations as a non-smoker. After 42 years of being a nicotine slave it feels so good to be getting a taste of freedom.I have never felt this strong or this good in any of my previous quit attempts. The information and people at this site is amazing, if you want to shine the light of truth on all the lies you've been telling yourself, then keep reading all you can at WhyQuit and FFN. NTAP
Neal
Day 57
Well, I went to a smoker's funeral this last week. She was almost 79 years old, but I guarantee you she would have lived longer if she didn't smoke from a young age until the day she died. Her sister (who never smoked) was there and looked like she could easily live another 20 years. I did experience some cravings as this was the first funeral since I quit.
Right now I am camping, I arrived yesterday and the entire day was full of triggers and thoughts about smoking. I didn't realize how much smoking was a part of camping. Of course, I came to realize that camping can still be fun without smoking. I can do anything as a non-smoker that I did as a smoker, sometimes even better. Well today is my second day camping and the thoughts and triggers are much better and less frequent. I hope my last day of camping will be free of any cravings.
I'm currently relaxing outside my RV overlooking the lake, enjoying the Florida sunshine and my Journey to Freedom. I'm writing this post on my cell phone. In three days when I'm done camping, I will be able to say that I have not poisoned myself with nicotine for two months.
YQB Neal
Day 60
Thanks Laura. It's amazing that encountering new activities could have such an effect. I think this is one of the many important things I learned here. I totally agree with you that encountering and overcoming this triggers gives more strength to your quit. My last day of camping was no problem, very little thoughts of smoking. I know the next time I go camping it will be much easier, that's the beauty of retraining your subconscious. Most of the times that I get thoughts of using nicotine it is when I'm doing something that I haven't done since I quit. Congratulations on your awesome quit also. One day at a time we will continue.
YQB Neal - No slavery to nicotine for 2 months.
Well, I'm on Day 73 today and all is going well. I'm loving my freedom and I feel very far away from the possibility of using nicotine. I haven't been quit so long that I forgot what it was like to have my life revolve around smoking, but I have been quit long enough to see how much better life is now that I'm finding the real me. I did gain about 10 pounds, as predicted, but I know that will soon come off. I'm finding I have a lot more time on my hands. I've already painted the whole outside of my house, and now I'm working on re-landscaping the entire back yard. (All with the money I've saved from not smoking!) It truly is getting better and better.
YQB Neal - NTAP
Today is Day 89 and I'm on my last lap towards Bronze. One day at a time is not words, but words to live by. I had a smoking dream the other night, and it didn't even upset me. I think I knew even in my dream that there was no way I was going to smoke. Thanks again to everyone who stops by to give me support, your time and effort are greatly appreciated. I try to post when I can, but I still read when I can't. I'm trying to think of a special Bronze post to put up tomorrow. Keep all nicotine on the outside and success is guaranteed.
YQB Neal - Stopped all the lies, and feeding the addiction on 1/9/11.
Day 90
The Real Me Vs. The Junky
For my Bronze celebration, I would like to tell a lighthearted story of my quitting smoking experience/adventure. I'll let you figure out the analogies. My quitting experience boils down to an internal fight between the Real Me, desperately trying to surface, and the Junky, A.K.A. - my Subconscious, my Executive Assistant, my Prison Guard. The Junky is that little voice in my head, I’m sure you all know the one, that has always come up with all those creative relapse excuses.
The Real Me has been gone so long that he was small and weak and all but forgotten. The Junky has been in charge of the Nicotine Roller Coaster, which meant he ran everything.
For over 40 years, from the moment I woke up, until the time I went to bed, he would tell me what time was mine and what time was his. He always had most of the time, and the schedule was always changing. There were his normal times - upon waking, after meals, working outside, talking on the phone, driving, taking a walk, and before bed. There were also all the unexpected times when he needed to put all my emotions up in smoke. If I was stressed, I had to stop and smoke. If I got angry, tired, hungry, lonely, happy, or sad, I had to stop and smoke. If I drank alcohol or had something to celebrate, I had to stop and smoke.
The Real Me was pushed so far into the background that I could hardly see the light thru the trees. The Junky kept me right where he wanted me, buried in the jungle with lies and use rationalizations. Withdrawal would be too painful, you couldn’t live a good life without nicotine, nicotine was a big part of who you are, you would lose yourself without nicotine, you would always have urges to smoke, and you would be miserable. Why punish yourself with trying to quit, just leave things as they are. The list of lies and excuses were never ending.
The Real Me still wanted so badly to surface and be free from the deep, dark, jungle. I tried and tried and even enlisted the help of gums, lozenges, patches, inhalers, e-cigs, and dip. I found myself in worse shape than when I started. Not only was I still buried in the jungle, but now the lozenges were growing vines around my legs, and I could barely move.
I finally decided it was time to take a deep breath, plant my feet, put my head down, and fight for my life. The Junky was also fighting for survival. He liked being in charge, and he would use every trick in the book to remain in power.
The Real Me went on-line and found Why Quit.com. I started to read about Bryan, Noni, Kim, Deborah, Brandon, and Sean. The vines started to loosen their grip. I read Nicotine 101 and the vines fell off of my legs. I started reading the One Puff Files and leaves started to fall from the trees. I read Never Take Another Puff, and Freedom From Nicotine - The Journey Home, and so many leaves were falling that I could start to see the blue sky thru the trees. All of the Junky lies were now being exposed. I joined Freedom From Nicotine and some of the small trees started to die and fall down.
I heard a noise and looked back, I saw John and Joel both carrying chainsaws. They said, let’s start carving a path and get you out of here. They cranked up their chainsaws and started cutting on the two biggest trees standing in front of me. I looked back again and saw Marty, Joanne, O Bob, Joe J. Free, Denny B., Suzie, Kattatonic1, CWZ, Doc24747, Chasnfireflies, and all of the oldbie veterans carrying axes. They said, we’ve already been through this, we know the way out, just follow us. They walked in front of me and started chopping on several different trees, bushes, and shrubs. Then came Tagsgirl, JimH, Juan Carlos, BSKing, Puffanomore, Sarah, Mary, and Lucie. Behind them were Lisa, Jeffreyrw, Greg, Laura, Kelly, Craig, Wendy, Endura, Lara, Bev, Stella, and a whole lot of others (sorry I couldn’t name everyone). They were carrying saws, hatchets, pruning shears, machete’s and even large knives. They said, we all would like to get out of here, and we will be happy to help you too. I started to feel overwhelmed with a sense of gratitude and well being; I did exactly as they all said, and worked with them to get out. I felt better and better as each tree was cut down.
There were a few splinters and thorns along the way, I stumbled and tripped a time or two, and a couple of branches would occasionally spring back at me, but I never lost sight of where I was going. Eventually, there was a clear path to Freedom laid out in front of me. We all stopped to admire the view.
I could taste the cool air deep in my lungs. This place even smelled better than the jungle, I could smell everything. There was a rainbow painted across the bluest sky, the sight of the crystal clear lake reflecting the distant mountains was breathtaking. The birds were chirping a happy song as we all marched along. John said that with a little help and some hard work all things are do-able. Joel mentioned to always watch out for stumps in the road, and that we would continue to stay out of the jungle as long as we stuck with our original commitment to never take another puff.
YQB Neal (Looking Better in Bronze!!!) Join me in getting out of the Jungle. There is a spot reserved for you on the path to Freedom. NTAP
I Quit living all the lies on 1/9/11
Day 95
Thank you Jeff, Lisa, Craig, Laura, Wendy, Endura, Stella, and Lara. You really made turning bronze a party to remember. Your kind words and thoughts always touch me. Keep it where it belongs, on the outside. YQB Neal - Quit all the lies on 1/9/11.
Day 96
Doc, no worries, your not late, I'm looking forward to celebrating Bronze for the next three months, each and every day.
Neal
Day 114
I'm one week short of 4 months. Time has been flying, it seems like I turned bronze yesterday. Each day has been uneventful on my journey to Freedom. I still come on the site often, but not as much as I used to. I noticed on my quit meter that I have saved $560 so far. I'm getting paid to feel good!! I like reading the journals and supporting the newer members as time allows. I don't want to forget what quitting was like in the early days. Hope everyone has a great nicotine free day. NTAP.
Neal
Day 121
After over four decades of being a slave to nicotine, today I reach four months of Freedom. With spring and summer upon us I still occasionally have smoking thoughts as I encounter situations for the first time as a non-smoker. These thoughts literally only last one or two seconds, as I quickly replace them with "none today, one = all, or NTAP". I have really been enjoying all the extra time, money, and energy I have since getting rid of all the nicotine. I don't ever want to go back to where I was.
Neal - Quit all the lies on 1/9/11
Day 159
I got hit with some shocking news between the 4th and 5th month of my quit. The good news is that I have remained, and will remain nicotine free. 5/24 - During a routine Doctor's visit I mentioned a swollen lymph node on my neck. I had an ultrasound performed on my neck. 6/2 - I was experiencing shortness of breath and had a chest X-Ray performed and a C.T. scan performed to follow up on the ultrasound. 6/3 - The chest x-ray showed my left lung had a tumor and the chest cavity was filling with fluid, the CT scan showed small nodules around my lymph node and thyroid, I was admitted to the hospital. 6/3 , 6/4 - A barrage of addition tests were peformed, they did C.T. scans all over my body looking for any additional spreading of the cancer. The fluid was drained from around my left lung, and a biopsy was permormed on the fluid as well as one of the tumors found in my belly.
I remained in the hospital for an additional week while they continued draining fluid from my lung and awaited results from the biopsys. It turned out to be originating in my left lung and had spread to my lymph nodes and stomach. It is non-operable since it has already spread around my body, they called it Stage 4 Lung cancer (non small cell type) 6/11, 6/12 - Had to go back to the hospital, I had sever shortness of breath from my swollen stomach, they took a new CT scan and found the cancer had grown significantly in the 9 days since they last scanned it. They were already mentioning a hospice. 6/13 Received my first (very large) dose of chemotherapy and was released to home heath care.
Needless to say, there were a lot of emotions and preparations for me to deal with. I wanted to continue to post my experiences in the hopes of helping people on here . We have to always be vigilant and realize the deadliness of this addiction we are fighting I don't want any of you to experience the feeling I now get when my 9 year-old daughter looks to me with all the Love in her eyes.
I have no idea of what the future holds for me, I know because of the great people on this site that I will face my future as a non-smoker. I thought after all these decades that I actually had the cigarette addiction beat, but it looks like it will win in the long run by taking my life much faster than it should have. I will continue to post as I can.
Neal Quit the lies on 1/9/2011
Day 183
Neal T. Curtis (NoNicNeal), Deceased
Father, Husband, Ex-smoker
1958 - 2011
October 9, 2011
With heavy hearts we learned that Neal T. Curtis, 53, died on July 10, just five weeks after diagnosis with lung cancer and 25 days after his final journal post. I spoke by phone with his surviving wife Debra last night expressing Freedom's heart felt condolences.
A Veteran of the U.S. Army, Neal was a Protestant, a member of B.P.O.E. #1511, American Legion Kirby Stewart Post 24, and the V.F.W. Predeceased by his father, Edward J., Jr. and brother, Mark A., he is survived by his wife, Debra, his daughter, Kristen both of Bradenton, Fla., his mother, Ruth of Holmes Beach, Fla., his brother, Edward J., III of Deltona, Fla., and his sister, Cheryl of Batesburg, S.C. A memorial service was held on July 23, 2011 at the B.P.O.E. #1511.
I've invited Debra here to read Neal's inspiring journal and to share in the joy and love he felt in being free. We'll keep his journal open so that those wishing can share their thoughts.
It's sobering to think that smoking's risks linger so long after quitting. After a dozen years of healing and risk reversal, I'm still not yet out of risk's woods. But even with a decade of aging, these years have been vastly healthier than those that preceeded them. It's clear from reading Neal's thread that he felt better, was loving and living life, and that he relished his quit, a fact Debra confirmed last night. I leave you with one of my favorites, Neal's post at day 73:
NoNic4Neal wrote:
Well, I'm on Day 73 today and all is going well. I'm loving my freedom and I feel very far away from the possibility of using nicotine. I haven't been quit so long that I forgot what it was like to have my life revolve aroung smoking, but I have been quit long enough to see how much better life is now that I'm finding the real me. I did gain about 10 pounds, as predicted, but I know that will soon come off. I'm finding I have a lot more time on my hands. I've already painted the whole outside of my house, and now I'm working on re-landscaping the entire back yard. (All with the money I've saved from not smoking!) It truly is getting better and better. YQB Neal - NTAP
Although no longer with us and posting, I hope Neal's wife and daughter are comforted by the fact that Neal's zeal, love of his freedom and memory lives on in so many hearts and minds. Peace be with you!
Breathe deep, hug hard, live long,
John - Gold x12
Knowledge is a Quitting Method
